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benefit to anybody. Doubtless a judgment that his crew would give and abide by the promise had been a
factor in the decision to let them go home. Elsewhere it sufficed to say that the Others had, after study,
made that decision.
Walking beside Caitlin, Brodersen went on: "You didn't go around openly brooding or acting
important or any such childishness. In fact, the child in you seemed to have died. You didn't joke or tease
or skip down a corridor or, oh, the million things you used to. You never sang unless we asked, and they
were never happy songs, and you didn't make new ones. In bed with me- well, sure, you took pleasure,
in a way, but there was no fun about it. And sometimes I'd catch you crying, like at night when you
thought I was asleep, or I'd see the signs on you afterward. But you shied off from telling me why, till I
figured I'd better pretend not to notice."
She caught his arm, hard. "Dan, my darling, why didn't you tell me how much I was hurting you?"
"That might've made matters worse."
"Ochone! The dream of the Others had me, and naught could I do but try to live, day by day, while
finding my way back from it. Yet if I'd had the wit to look from what was gone to what was around me,
and who -- "
"Shucks, honey, everything worked out okay. Didn't it? Meanwhile we were both lucky to be kept
as busy as were, on Beta and Earth."
Well, Earth I'm not certain about. Brodersen scowled and spat. The executive pardon for our
actions, a formality, but long-drawn and embarrassing. Crowds, speeches, ceremonies, conferences,
banquets, receptions, Worthy Causes, mail by the ton, calls by the thousands, and always the bloody
newspeople, never a minute of ours unwatched till at last Pegeen and I managed to sneak off to here.
That hullabaloo may have delayed her recovery...Is "recovery" the right word? I don't dare ask.
Change the subject. "And shortly, ho for Demeter," he said.
Their task was done. Amidst all the dismal nonsense had been these past months' jobs, duties that
one could not decently shirk: helping and counselling the Betans, taking part while plans and procedures
were hammered out for establishing regular relations between the two races, conveying to scientists the
trove of information aboard Chinook and in the heads of her crew -- and he had to admit that some
causes were genuinely worthy. The hero of billions could raise money for ocean conservation, give
politics a shove in the direction of common sense and liberty, brighten an hour for a lot of hospitalized
children.
But finally, except for Joelle, Chinook was about to bear her wanderers home. (Carlos and Susanne
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wanted to greet her parents. Frieda and the husband she'd found on Earth wanted to emigrate.) The
Betans had not gotten enough data for calculating how to play chronokinetic tricks in that gate. Probably
no humans should anyway, at least until humans were wiser. The span of Brodersen's absence from
Phoebus would therefore be approximately equal to the span of his presence at Sol.
Would Barbara and Mike have changed much? According to letters and tapes from Lis- who had
agreed with him she should stay put, take care of them and the business, not let herself in for the
harassment he was under- they'd mainly just gained a few skills, which they were anxious to show
Daddy. However, at their ages, the time between late winter and early spring could be as long as the time
to go to the end of the universe and back.
Brodersen noticed Caitlin had not responded. Perturbed, he glanced at her and saw she remained
serious, her eyes on the horizon and the blue depths beyond. No! Please! "I'm sorry," his voice groped.
"Did I say something wrong? I wouldn't make you sad again for every planet in the plenum. But I seem to
have."
"Not really, dear." She patted his back. "You only reminded me."
"Blast me for an idiot! I, well, I was describing how you were before, to try and explain how you are
-- were -- your old self. I shouldn't have raised ghosts for you. I didn't know. Can you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive. I have won beyond the longing, the hopeless trying to regain; in truth I
have." Her fingers closed around his. They halted in the middle of the road and turned to each other. A
cloud shadow swept over them, then sunlight spilled anew.
"Honestly, Dan, my love. What memories are left lie deep and quiet, beyond either grief or joy. It is I
must beg your pardon, for blindness to how you needed to speak of this."
"Well, I'm not awfully good at giving signals, Pegeen, macushla."
After the kiss, walking once more, she told him, "You did say a thing that frets me, that you would
have died to bring me back to what I was."
"I meant it."
"Did you indeed? You should not have. What about Lis and the children?"
He winced. "Yes, them. Right. I wasn't thinking. When a person loves another the way I love you -- "
He couldn't go on.
"Dan," she said, "I've told you before, I know a single reason why I would ever leave you: if I came
between you and Lis. That would turn what was good and happy into a thing evil and sorrowful; and how
could I abide myself?"
"No fears," he promised. "You may need to warn me occasionally, but...well, I honor my contracts;
and besides, I love her too."
She smiled with her entire face. "Ah, that's my skipper speaking."
Presently: "But, my life, you're troubled in your turn. Why?"
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As she had earlier, he looked into the distances. "I got to feeling -- not the first time -- feeling how
unfair this is to you."
"How?"
"I do have a home and family and they do mean the world to me. You rate the same. Am I keeping
you from them? I'm afraid I am."
She laughed aloud, which startled him enough that he caught his toe in a rut and almost fell. When he
had recovered, she said, "Dan, Dan, can you really imagine me languishing in a situation I have not freely
chosen, aye, purposely brought about? It took the Others to cause that, and then it wasn't permanent."
"But, uh, a free choice can be unwise."
"I always know what I want, however that may change. It may in time be a husband, if he's the right
kind of man, the which includes understanding why I'll not give you up. Or it may never be, and is that
tragic? I do think at last I'll want a child or two, who could well be yours. Let us see what happens.
We've a whole cosmos before us."
After a minute in which the lark sang, Caitlin went on: "Already I've changes in mind- going to
medical school, so I can ship out on some of the expeditions that will be off to the stars."
"What?" He stopped in his tracks.
"Don't worry, my heart." She got them started onward. "I'll return to you, as I promised in that song
of mine. Or could be we'll fare together. Not on each trip. You've no right and I hope no wish to be
overmuch gone from Demeter. But you do have the right and I believe the wish to stay entirely alive till
you die."
He considered her. "Is this just go-fever in you, after the experience we've had?"
She answered frankly: "No. That might have been true were I what I was. You bespoke a child in me
you dreaded was dead. Well, she was only sleeping, but the sleep was long and she'd awakened older.
I've need in me to discover and learn, to use myself to the utmost. And, yes, serve; for what our
explorers do will change lives beyond reckoning. Should we not seek to make those changes harmless,
or even benign? Before all else, is there not the freedom of every sentient being to uphold? I want to be
where I can help, however little and mistakenly, toward those ends."
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